Taking Out the Mental Garbage

So... Where to begin? (WARNING – Pity Party in Progress)


I think it’s a really bad sign when you almost stumble while shopping and wish that you had actually fallen because a broken ankle would have gotten you out of something you had committed to... That was the thought that had crossed my mind last Saturday morning while I was trying to give myself a pep-talk about how much fun I would have a friend’s Saturday evening wedding shower. I had had a long week at work and all I wanted was to be able to stick to my happy little routine (SUCH a creature of habit) and go to my best friend’s house and just hang out and relax. I knew that it would be fine – that I would have a good time once I got there... It was just the getting there that was presenting the problem. I kept getting really pouty and mean... I will admit – there were even tears involved at certain points. And I picked up my cell at least 10 times to text that I was sorry, but I just couldn’t make it... But then I would feel like a horrible person and put my phone back in my pocket.

I had been feeling the sense of dread building all week – Friday when I got home from the Avalon Launch, I tried painting my nails purple as a way to cheer me up... And as happy as looking at my pretty purple nails makes me, it wasn’t a lasting way to cheer up... Even Target couldn’t pull me out of my funk... Un-heard of. I was at Borders when the wish that I had broken my ankle ran through my mind... Being there couldn’t even tame the pouty shrew I was becoming, and I adore Borders. I am sure it’s a weird thought, but at the time it was very true. I would have willingly taken the potential embarrassment (I say potential, because I don’t really ever get embarrassed anymore... I mean, I fell down the stairs in front of my boss and didn’t even blush...) of laying on the floor in Borders, waiting for an ambulance, and then dealt with being in pain in a cast for weeks... If that would mean I wouldn’t have to spend two hours out of my day doing something that I didn’t feel like doing. Not ok, right? Haha

I have these random thoughts go through my head on occasion – they usually involve the stairs at work and hurting myself “just enough” to get a few days off of work... Or rear-ending someone that did the lovely “I’m gonna cut you off and then flip you the bird for having the audacity to not read my mind and know that I wanted to be precisely where you were on the road at that moment” maneuver. It’s usually followed by my standard admonition of, “No, Kelly. You are not a crazy person.” And then I go about my merry way...

The thing I dislike most about being a grown-up is doing things that I don’t want to do. Like being a good friend and going to the shower, being a responsible adult and getting up and going to work, going to dinner with my mother-in-law... I just don’t like it. Because of that, every so often I get extremely selfish and won’t do anything. I’ll lounge on the couch with a book or my DS, play on my laptop, watch a bunch of movies... It’s my way of rebooting. And when I re-emerge, I am much more willing to do the things I didn’t want to do. I haven’t had a chance for a reboot for a while and it’s starting to catch up to me. Obviously. Haha Until I get my reboot, I start finding ways of controlling the situations – like for the party... I refused to get dressed up like the invitation said. I wore nice jeans, a cute top, a cute cardigan, and nice shoes... But I was not about to put on a dress and get all dolled up on my day off.  And I was really happy to get there and see two others that had the same thought...

I’ve even been slacking on working out lately – I keep saying that it’s because we’ve been really busy lately (which we have) and that I just don’t have time because there are too many other things that need to get done... While not entirely lies, I could have made time for my workout. It’s a short workout and a quick shower after so that I’m not disgusting and sweaty... But I just have not had the energy or the desire to do it. Luckily I haven’t gained the weight I lost back, but still... If I don’t get back in line, I will. And I’m working on it. I haven’t taken an entire week off of it so far, but I’ve been far from my usual 4 – 5 days a week. Just gotta make the decision not to go home and put on my jammies and curl up with my book...

So, what’s not really helping with all of this need for a reboot is the fact that a couple weeks ago at work I was told that I was going to be having a second position ADDED to my current position. That’s not what added to the stress – I was actually looking forward to that weirdly enough... (I prefer to be busy – makes the days go faster...) It’s the fact that the next week we got a new General Manager and he doesn’t seem to be as confident about the fact that he was being “added on” to a different assistant. Part of it is (I've heard... Don't know what the REAL reason is) that he wants someone in the desk outside of his office, which I already told them before that I don’t give a crap where I sit... It’s just a desk. Besides, I’m going to be keeping both desks because there isn’t enough storage space in one desk for two jobs worth of crap. So right now everything’s on hold. Now I am bothered by several things about this:

1. The guy that he is replacing (who is now his boss...) knew that I could handle it.

2. He has never worked with me and doesn’t know how quickly I get things done.

And the one that bothers me the most: No one has said ONE WORD to me about it. Not one. I only know as much as I do from over-hearing things and asking someone else in the office that is involved in this too... It’s extremely frustrating. This is my job that they are playing with and I want to be kept in the loop. If you don’t have all the information yet, that’s fine... But you should share the info you DO have, right? It’s not like it’s the end of the world if I don’t have to add a second job to my already busy job, I’ll still be employed if it goes back to me just doing what I’ve been doing... But I’m vaguely offended that they don’t seem to even be willing to give it a try...

Ugh.

So yeah... That’s really the key to this grumpy hermit mood I’ve slipped into. I don’t like not knowing what’s going on. It really gets to me. I try not to care... I keep telling myself to go along for the ride and that I’ll end up where I end up when the ride stops... But then I get pissed off when I over-hear the chick sitting next to me (the one who’s job I am supposedly absorbing) get asked about when she’s moving over and she starts whispering! I’m sorry, but you can bite me. Am I not ALLOWED to know what’s going on??

And that brings out a random little rant... Don’t talk about people when they are RIGHT THERE! It’s obvious and it’s STUPID. Like one time when I walked up to my desk and she and her buddy were whispering over at her desk and as soon as they saw me, they started doing that lame cover-up of talking really loudly... “So..... Yeah! So that thing I wanted to show you... You know, that thing? Over here?” and then they walked away. Lame. Or when I walked into the lunch room to get some ice and she and her buddies were in there chatting away and as soon as I walked in they went completely silent... I wanted to say, “You know, ladies (and I use that term VERY loosely), if you didn’t talk about people, we wouldn’t have to deal with these awkward silences...” But I didn’t. Although, I did comment over my shoulder as I walked back out the door, “You can resume talking about me now...” So stupid.

Ugh again.

**Sigh**

Oh – AND... I’m freaking turning 30 next week. I have never been bothered by my birthday until now. I mean, it’s just a number, right? So why does it matter? But this one is REALLY getting to me. Plus, there’s so much going on right now that there’s not even a time for me to plan a birthday party that isn’t already taken... I already have plans to go to a really nice dinner at Gemmell’s (a French restaurant in Dana Point that we love – and our friend’s dad owns...) with my hubby... But it’s kind of a big birthday and I had wanted to have a big party..... **Pout** Whatever... We’re planning something for the first weekend in June because that’s the closest we could get... It’s going to just be something small with my best friend and her husband and probably another couple that we are close to. At this point I don’t feel like doing the big party anymore... So I’ll just continue my pity party for a few more days and then snap myself out of it again once the hideous day has passed........ hahaha I keep refusing to admit that it’s happening and saying that I am either going to just stay 29 or I’m going to start Benjamin Button-ing this thing and reverse and be 28 again... Hahaha... I can do that, right? I think it’s totally possible.

And I have no idea what I want for my birthday... How lame is that?

The only things I can think of are:
- My other wedding band
- The emerald bracelet that I ADORE (but costs $6,000 so it’s not gonna happen)
- A new Seatbelt Bag like this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one or this one. It's an obsession...
- The rifle that I’ve been wanting FOREVER (my dad always says that of all his children, he never thought it would be one of the GIRLS that would be into guns)
- A baby (Josh keeps reminding me that I am not allowed to steal the adorable little girl that we keep seeing with her mom or dad at the grocery store, no matter how many times she smiles at me... hahaha)

So there you have it.

And I’ve run out of steam. (I’ve written this over the past couple days during my lunch breaks and random peaceful minutes of down time...) And I feel better. Taking out the garbage is a much-needed exercise sometimes... Get it out of your head and then you don’t have to think about it anymore. Ahhhh.... A weight has been lifted....