Woe Is Me or Pity Party, Table for 1

 I will be the first to admit that my problems are really not big in the grand scheme of things. Especially compared to some things that other people have to go through and deal with... In fact, I can fully admit that most of my problems fall under the category of “First-World Problems” - meaning, they aren’t really problems. (Example: I really wanted to buy a couple of those HP Touchpads that were on super-cheap sale, but they were all sold out...)

Like I absolutely, 100%, with-the-heat-of-1000-suns mega-loathe someone I work with. And I really hate my title (which they promised me was being changed - I no longer believe anything they tell me until I see it). But I have a steady, secure job. And they pay me. So, really, I generally just suck it up and deal. And most of the time it works.

Lately, though? Not so much. I even proved that the jerk referenced above is actually bad for my health. I bought a heart rate monitor to wear when I’m working out and, as a joke, I put it on to see what happens when he comes near me... While sitting at my desk working away my heart rate hovered between 62 - 66 beats per minute. When jerkface walked over - before he even opened his stupid mouth - I glanced down and I was well over 90 beats per minute. Sooooo not ok.

I just am not happy at work. I like a lot of people I work with... I really like the company I work for (and have worked for for 12 years). I even used to really like what I do... Until they added so much extra work to it that it makes me want to scream. Almost every day one of my bosses will give me a new report or project or task that is now 100% my responsibility... And I am waiting for either the breaking point or, I don’t know, just maybe a little recognition or credit. It’s like I’m being punished for being awesome at my job...

They know that I’m not happy... It’s pretty much impossible to hide. Especially from the people that know the history of last time I had to work with jerkface. Long story short - he called me “witchy” with a “B” because I didn’t laugh at a stupid “joke” he made... The “joke” in question? (Because it wasn’t even a joke...) “I’m going to lunch and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” After this and repeated rude behavior to me, he was put in a different job and was pretty much told that he was not allowed to speak to me. Not even to say “Hello.” And now I have to work with him again. 

Thanks, Murphy’s Law! You’re awesome!

They are even really supportive of helping me keep an eye out for openings at our other offices in the area... And there was an opening at our closest one recently. It was a big step up and would be a really nice promotion, AND it would set me free from having to see jerkface, so of course I went for it. I kept my expectations down because it was a big step up and it’s been a few years since I had anything to do with that department at this office. But then I was surprised with a phone interview! And it seemed to go really well. A little spark of hope started whispering that I might actually be a contender... And I started wondering if I would be lucky enough to get a call back as one of the 2 people that would get an in-person interview....

But that was a week ago. Every day that has passed this week has snuffed that little spark out more and more. I mean, how long could it possibly take to do four phone interviews and narrow it down to the two final candidates? Not this long! Even knowing how slowly this company works sometimes... So now, that spark is hiding way in the back of my brain whispering “But it still says ‘open position’ on the org chart...........................” while at the front of my brain is a big fart noise and a big thumbs down.

I was telling a friend about it and she asked if I was bummed... I told her that it would have been really nice, but it was a big stretch and I was genuinely surprised to actually be seriously considered for it... But I’m already so unhappy with where I am at work that it’s not really making me any less happy... Because I can’t really go down much further from here. Her exact words were, “Wow. That’s really sad.” I laughed. I have to laugh because, unless I am able to find something else, this is where my paycheck comes from. And I truly do like working for this company... I don’t want to leave it completely... I have a lot of friends and history here.

There are other big companies in the area that I have heard are also good companies to work for that I have seen have openings... But I’m worried that it will be worse to leave. What if the grass only looks greener because there’s more dog crap fertilizing it over there?

So I’ll keep on being awesome at my stupid over-loaded job and wishing the days away so that I can have my weekends... And I’ll keep watching for my opportunity to get away from the people making me miserable. And I’ll keep pushing my boss about my title change. And I’ll keep being furiously happy in the rest of my day-to-day...

And even though I prefer to live my life as an optimist, I keep telling that dim little spark to shut up and stop being stupid....

Because to let it work its way back up and shine brightly would hurt even more when I finally get the definitive answer if it doesn’t go my way...

But it still says “open position” on the org chart.........................................................