**This post is some serious mental garbage – just trying to clear the crap out to relieve the stress... So it’s probably gonna be kinda jumpy and rambling... Hang on and just go for the ride... ha!**
Stressy McStresserson.
That’s me lately.
And for the stupidest reason... I’m
getting close to my weight-loss goal and I’m afraid to stop my diet! It
seriously gives me major anxiety to know that soon I am going to be responsible
for actually paying attention to food and keeping my weight where I want it.
It’s so dumb. Tons and tons of people
watch what they eat and maintain a normal weight everyday... It shouldn’t be so
daunting. But when you’ve spent too many years overweight and unhappy, you
start thinking that you will ALWAYS be overweight.
Then you finally make a decision to actually
DO something about it and HOLY CRAP it freaking works! But now what???
One voice in my head is super excited
about getting to eat normal food again... But then the other voice in my head
that makes me doubt my ability to maintain properly starts screaming FATTY
FATTY FAT FAT!!!!
I know I can do this! I have to. I am
just so scared of being one of those people that ends up back on the
Nutrisystem Boards a year later talking about how they gained it all back and
then some....
I have a plan in place in my head to
stay on top of things... Once I get to the weight where I decide to stop, I
have a very strict “If I gain 5 pounds, it’s time to buckle down” plan in my
head. I figure that 5 pounds would be significant enough that it’s not just
some sort of daily fluctuation / bloating and actually something that needs to
be dealt with. No more willful blindness and unwillingness to admit that there
is a problem. Get on it and put a stop to it before 5 pounds becomes 10 becomes
20......
And I also am stopping at a lower
weight than I originally planned because I don’t want that 5 pounds to bump me
back into “Overweight” BMI range. I am just barely into the normal
range and technically I could stop here... But I don’t ever want to be
overweight again. I’ve wasted enough time being someone I’m not. People have
started telling me that I should stop – that I don’t need to lose any more
weight. And while that may be true-ish
(I technically am in the healthy weight range for my height/age), I don’t think
another 5 – 10 (or maybe 13...) pounds are going to hurt and they will
definitely make me breathe easier when I’m trying to figure out maintenance.
I seriously think that I must carry
weight well – I don’t think people would guess what my highest weight was – or even
the weight I was when I started doing Nutrisystem... And I am beyond happy that
I seem to lose it fairly proportionately. I know that I look completely
different now – even if my brain doesn’t always want to admit it... I have
always hated my legs – my thighs and calves are just too big. I am never
comfortable in shorts. And even though I know they are smaller than they were –
I can’t help but hope that the remaining weight I lose all comes from there! I
am happy with my face, my lack of extra chins is pretty great, and I have a
pretty cute shape... “The girls” may have gotten a little small for my liking,
but that’s ok, I guess... I would have looked pretty silly if they had stayed
as big as they were...
The thing I am most excited about is
getting new clothes.... I am SO sick of feeling like a hobo. Almost everything
I own is too big. Especially my work clothes... I hate having to belt my pants
down to keep them from falling off! Yeah, that’s awesome, but it sure looks
dumb. And it makes me feel like I look bigger than I am... The only things I
have that really fit are one pair of jeans (that are starting to get a bit too
loose once they stretch out after being washed), a handful of t-shirts that I’ve
bought myself because I don’t mind if t-shirts end up a tiny bit baggy after
the last bit of weight loss, a hoodie/jacket I got because my other one was
HUGE, a couple sweatshirts, my workout clothes, and my yoga pants that I wear
as jammies... And that’s about it. Everything else ranges from “slightly baggy”
to “ridiculous.” I’m literally going to have to start fresh. I’m talking from
underwear on out... And I CANNOT WAIT. Three words that make me incredibly
happy: ALL NEW CARDIGANS!!!! I love cardigans – they just work with everything!
I am planning on making a day of it at
an outlet mall and building me a whole new wardrobe to go with the whole new
me...
See? Shiny
new me – new bangs and everything!
And I recently got a gym membership
again because I was getting really bored with riding my bike at home and knew
that that wasn’t going to be a good long-term routine for maintenance. I need
more variety... And I really want to do some weights to be more toned. I want
me some “Michele Obama” arms! I’ve gone to the gym right after work every day
this week and it’s been great. A lot of wonderful “people watching” to distract
me while I’m running my butt off on one of the elliptical machines or pushing
myself on the weights... I’m hoping to just build a routine of being healthy to
keep this all going...
**Funny side story – my first time
back at the gym the girl at the front desk had to check me in and set me up for
the self-check-in system... When I handed her my driver’s license, she did a
pretty good quadruple-take and shouted “HOLY CRAP!” Yeah... I guess I need to
go get a new picture taken... It was a pretty good laugh and a fantastic ego
boost...**
So... I really need to just figure out
when I want to start phasing out the Nutrisystem foods... Do I wait until I am
actually AT my goal or do I start now while I am finishing up?? I could always
start right now by trading one meal a day with something on my own and
stretching out how long the box of food that I just got lasts... Or I could
stay purely on-plan until my next shipment and THEN start switching over while
keeping the Nutrisystem as my security blanket in the pantry... Or I could do
this box purely on-plan and not get another shipment – just cut it off and use
the extra lunches and dinners that I have accumulated as my security blanket...
Or I could just go bury my head under
my pillow and pretend I don’t have any decisions to make...
Ugh. And now I’m stressed again.
